Some Things Came Up

Oh goodness! Do I have a lot I could say. 
And I wish I could say it all right now.
But, I'm literally writing this and thinking about how I really feel like puking right now. 
Gross, I know.
Sorry.

Keep posted and check back soon!
My goal is to post some new shit from my chaotic mind in the next few days.

Gonna spice things up here and post a picture of myself. Self portrait if you will...

As always, please take care of me!

XoXXo,

Cooper

These Unwritten Pages

So, yesterday I went on a "Spring Clean" in my room. I was browsing though some of my stacks of papers I haven't thrown out to see which I could toss now, and go through it again later and keep what is important.

Anyways, I found a quote I had written down once, who knows how long ago. 

"The ninety and nine are with dreams, content but the hope of the world made new, is the hundredth man who is grimly bent on making those dreams come true." -Edgar Allen Poe

It really struct a cord with me. Gave me an understanding beyond anything, the idea that I could possibly be fighting in between the balance of the two. Fighting the content feeling to support the dream world I live in. Even when I seem content with myself and my life, I still have my dreams and want them to happen. With all my struggles, to this day, I wonder if that is why I have so many ups and downs, and fight myself, my life, my situation, and everyone else all the time. I wonder if I am that hundredth man.

I took another first step for myself for yet another chapter in my life. 
I put an application in for a full-time job. And, no matter what happens, it's a first step. A better step. 3 measly part-time jobs won't support me, my bills, or my hopes of finding ways to accomplish my dreams. Fingers crossed, and hoping for the best, but I feel like I lit the path I'm walking on in flames. Anxious to see how it goes. 

Stay tuned, there maybe more incite to come. Or a beautiful disaster ahead. 

A little piece of my artwork collection. 

"Keep Flight" -pen and ink/pencil drawing

And as always, 

Please support me.

XoXXo

Cooper

Story Of My Life

I had a discussion the other day. At some point I muttered,
"Some people are meant to be in the holes they dig."
I won't go into details, but I compared a lady as a 'black energy' and 'a relative of a black widow.'
As bad as it sounds, it's true. She's burned so many 'bridges' and ruined lives, and is still trying to take people with her as she goes.
But that made me think, do I belong in the holes I find myself in?

My latest one is I JUST got my inspections, oil change, tire rod and two tires done on my jeep. 
Cost me $410. Just about anything I had saved up from all my hard work for little pay working 3 part-time jobs. I make shit, and I was leaving early in the morning and coming home late at night. Daily.
Now Christmas is over, and I've become stressed (probably partially anxious as well due to the sudden change), feeling un-worked, broke, and now have to find a way to save up $600 to fix a problem with my transmission before it's destroyed. 

And I'm left wondering what I can do to get that money, since I'm working much less, with my crappy pays. 
I thought about selling photography and artwork. Some thought I've tossed around before.
I'll give it a go, and do what I can. But I need something else. More means to make money.

Any ideas to help? 

If my transmission goes, I'm out a car, can't get to work, still have to pay my loan on it, and basically, royally screwed.

Did I deserve to be in this hole, am I a black energy for myself?
Sometimes I have to wonder.

I've done a few variations of this drawing.

"Iveen" -Pen and Ink

Found it suiting for my mood.

XoXXo

Cooper

There's More to Come.

I am losing touch with reality again, 
And working far too much. 
Sorry, I've lost myself.
Be back later.

Maybe.

Artwork by me. For a good friend. 

XoXXo

Cooper

My Path Through Life.

I'm pretty sure i derailed a loooonnggggg, looonnnggggg time ago and have since been creating my own path, while taking periodic breaks to sit and not move an inch. When I do get up, i'm pretty sure i start burning the path i just made. Nothing like leaving a trail of fire. For real.

Sorry for the disappearance. 
Been trying to get my feet settled.
....Again. 

I've been in a balance between chaos and restlessness. 
Whichever wins is sure to destroy a part of me.


On the other hand, I think I might try to make time to do some paintings or small drawings to sell.
I wonder if it's a good idea?
Maybe I'll try with a few flower paintings and see how that goes?
Is that something people would even buy?

I dunno yet. I may need to seek outside opinions.

I've also fully realized the extent of many of my ideas and projects that 

I started or generally sketched out are unfinished.

I should probably work on that.

Above drawing done by me. Pen and ink.

Until next time.

Take care.

And please,

Continue to support me.

XoXXo

Cooper

Is Anybody Out There?

Does anyone read this? 

Seriously curious if anyone actually does. 
Maybe I'll continue regardless so I can store my emotions of trying to push myself to get somewhere.
It's not easy wanting to make a difference so much, yet your not sure if you even do among the people you love.


Doubtful Fall.

Power of Believing. (Storytellers Ball.)

I was at one of my jobs today, and ran into a girl that I had gone to a class with for a bit. And we got to talking. A guy she was seeing got into a car accident and was unconscious. I told her about my friend, Baldy, who was overcoming cancer again, and had a scan for Friday to make sure he's cancer free. She instantly said that she would say a prayer for him and was hoping I'd keep Justin in my thoughts for her. I said I would.

I can't say if there is or is not a God. I'm not the one to make that call. I grew up going to church every week in my Sunday's best. We did not ever go in Friday casuals. One thing that has always seemed to stick with me is my silent prayers when I'm screaming in my mind, "PLEASE, GOD, JUST MAKE IT STOP" When my ropes are short and my emotions are at my lowest. Or "Please let him be o.k. Please let him get better." Little things, little silent prayers when I feel I need it most. I never prayed much in church, I never knew what to say, but when my heart sang out in pain or in concern, my silent prayers flow through my mind. Not directed at God, specifically. Just at anybody who could hear me. Because most times, I feel as if my voice is never quite heard, especially when it's most important. 

I feel as though, when my faith in religion grew out of me, as my depression grew more and more predominant in my childhood, I also grew more into my faith in people. I have suffered endlessly, battling a dark vicious cycle that feels like an ever growing abyss. 
I still battle it. 
Alone. 
All on my own.
I never want anyone to suffer through this, knowing what I've seen, what I've yet to probably see. I am a protector, a nurturer. I want to heal everyone of their scars, to relieve their troubles and their world on their shoulders and carry it with mine. I don't want anyone to experience what I do. I want to heal. I want to listen to your story. I know you have one. 

This is for Justin. I hope you wake soon and heal from your accident. 
This is for Baldy. And for Ashley. Two best friends who are truly amazing.
They are an inspiration. Fighting cancer twice, being optimistic, and staying beside each other through it all.
I can't wait to see the hospital on Friday, so I can take in and explore the world you've seen through treatments these past few months.
This is for you. The person reading this. I don't know what your story is. But I can. I want you to heal.
I don't want you to feel as if you're alone. I am here. 

I am always here.