Some Things Came Up

Oh goodness! Do I have a lot I could say. 
And I wish I could say it all right now.
But, I'm literally writing this and thinking about how I really feel like puking right now. 
Gross, I know.
Sorry.

Keep posted and check back soon!
My goal is to post some new shit from my chaotic mind in the next few days.

Gonna spice things up here and post a picture of myself. Self portrait if you will...

As always, please take care of me!

XoXXo,

Cooper

These Unwritten Pages

So, yesterday I went on a "Spring Clean" in my room. I was browsing though some of my stacks of papers I haven't thrown out to see which I could toss now, and go through it again later and keep what is important.

Anyways, I found a quote I had written down once, who knows how long ago. 

"The ninety and nine are with dreams, content but the hope of the world made new, is the hundredth man who is grimly bent on making those dreams come true." -Edgar Allen Poe

It really struct a cord with me. Gave me an understanding beyond anything, the idea that I could possibly be fighting in between the balance of the two. Fighting the content feeling to support the dream world I live in. Even when I seem content with myself and my life, I still have my dreams and want them to happen. With all my struggles, to this day, I wonder if that is why I have so many ups and downs, and fight myself, my life, my situation, and everyone else all the time. I wonder if I am that hundredth man.

I took another first step for myself for yet another chapter in my life. 
I put an application in for a full-time job. And, no matter what happens, it's a first step. A better step. 3 measly part-time jobs won't support me, my bills, or my hopes of finding ways to accomplish my dreams. Fingers crossed, and hoping for the best, but I feel like I lit the path I'm walking on in flames. Anxious to see how it goes. 

Stay tuned, there maybe more incite to come. Or a beautiful disaster ahead. 

A little piece of my artwork collection. 

"Keep Flight" -pen and ink/pencil drawing

And as always, 

Please support me.

XoXXo

Cooper

Story Of My Life

I had a discussion the other day. At some point I muttered,
"Some people are meant to be in the holes they dig."
I won't go into details, but I compared a lady as a 'black energy' and 'a relative of a black widow.'
As bad as it sounds, it's true. She's burned so many 'bridges' and ruined lives, and is still trying to take people with her as she goes.
But that made me think, do I belong in the holes I find myself in?

My latest one is I JUST got my inspections, oil change, tire rod and two tires done on my jeep. 
Cost me $410. Just about anything I had saved up from all my hard work for little pay working 3 part-time jobs. I make shit, and I was leaving early in the morning and coming home late at night. Daily.
Now Christmas is over, and I've become stressed (probably partially anxious as well due to the sudden change), feeling un-worked, broke, and now have to find a way to save up $600 to fix a problem with my transmission before it's destroyed. 

And I'm left wondering what I can do to get that money, since I'm working much less, with my crappy pays. 
I thought about selling photography and artwork. Some thought I've tossed around before.
I'll give it a go, and do what I can. But I need something else. More means to make money.

Any ideas to help? 

If my transmission goes, I'm out a car, can't get to work, still have to pay my loan on it, and basically, royally screwed.

Did I deserve to be in this hole, am I a black energy for myself?
Sometimes I have to wonder.

I've done a few variations of this drawing.

"Iveen" -Pen and Ink

Found it suiting for my mood.

XoXXo

Cooper

There's More to Come.

I am losing touch with reality again, 
And working far too much. 
Sorry, I've lost myself.
Be back later.

Maybe.

Artwork by me. For a good friend. 

XoXXo

Cooper

My Path Through Life.

I'm pretty sure i derailed a loooonnggggg, looonnnggggg time ago and have since been creating my own path, while taking periodic breaks to sit and not move an inch. When I do get up, i'm pretty sure i start burning the path i just made. Nothing like leaving a trail of fire. For real.

Sorry for the disappearance. 
Been trying to get my feet settled.
....Again. 

I've been in a balance between chaos and restlessness. 
Whichever wins is sure to destroy a part of me.


On the other hand, I think I might try to make time to do some paintings or small drawings to sell.
I wonder if it's a good idea?
Maybe I'll try with a few flower paintings and see how that goes?
Is that something people would even buy?

I dunno yet. I may need to seek outside opinions.

I've also fully realized the extent of many of my ideas and projects that 

I started or generally sketched out are unfinished.

I should probably work on that.

Above drawing done by me. Pen and ink.

Until next time.

Take care.

And please,

Continue to support me.

XoXXo

Cooper

Is Anybody Out There?

Does anyone read this? 

Seriously curious if anyone actually does. 
Maybe I'll continue regardless so I can store my emotions of trying to push myself to get somewhere.
It's not easy wanting to make a difference so much, yet your not sure if you even do among the people you love.


Doubtful Fall.

Power of Believing. (Storytellers Ball.)

I was at one of my jobs today, and ran into a girl that I had gone to a class with for a bit. And we got to talking. A guy she was seeing got into a car accident and was unconscious. I told her about my friend, Baldy, who was overcoming cancer again, and had a scan for Friday to make sure he's cancer free. She instantly said that she would say a prayer for him and was hoping I'd keep Justin in my thoughts for her. I said I would.

I can't say if there is or is not a God. I'm not the one to make that call. I grew up going to church every week in my Sunday's best. We did not ever go in Friday casuals. One thing that has always seemed to stick with me is my silent prayers when I'm screaming in my mind, "PLEASE, GOD, JUST MAKE IT STOP" When my ropes are short and my emotions are at my lowest. Or "Please let him be o.k. Please let him get better." Little things, little silent prayers when I feel I need it most. I never prayed much in church, I never knew what to say, but when my heart sang out in pain or in concern, my silent prayers flow through my mind. Not directed at God, specifically. Just at anybody who could hear me. Because most times, I feel as if my voice is never quite heard, especially when it's most important. 

I feel as though, when my faith in religion grew out of me, as my depression grew more and more predominant in my childhood, I also grew more into my faith in people. I have suffered endlessly, battling a dark vicious cycle that feels like an ever growing abyss. 
I still battle it. 
Alone. 
All on my own.
I never want anyone to suffer through this, knowing what I've seen, what I've yet to probably see. I am a protector, a nurturer. I want to heal everyone of their scars, to relieve their troubles and their world on their shoulders and carry it with mine. I don't want anyone to experience what I do. I want to heal. I want to listen to your story. I know you have one. 

This is for Justin. I hope you wake soon and heal from your accident. 
This is for Baldy. And for Ashley. Two best friends who are truly amazing.
They are an inspiration. Fighting cancer twice, being optimistic, and staying beside each other through it all.
I can't wait to see the hospital on Friday, so I can take in and explore the world you've seen through treatments these past few months.
This is for you. The person reading this. I don't know what your story is. But I can. I want you to heal.
I don't want you to feel as if you're alone. I am here. 

I am always here.

Life. What A Funny Thing.

In my last post I complained about how all I wanted a day off. Well, I got a doctors note for a day off. Not exactly what I wanted...but a day to recuperate is a day to recuperate.


Anyways, I married a couple on Friday. I'll post a picture when I get one, and boy, let me tell you. That was one of the most eventful days I've had in a long time.

Hope all is well on your ends, I just don't feel like speaking much today.

Runaway.

Wow, I'm pretty tired lately. Between balancing 3 jobs, trying to find time to work a drawing in that I want to do, and any time off in the morning being used to get up early anyways and babysit kids, as well as help my great grandmother when she needs it. I love my family, and I'm loyal to my jobs, but I'm ready to take a day, call off of work, tell my family I won't be home and do something. Leave in the morning and come back late. Find something to leave me feeling refreshed and re-charged enough to pick back up and go again. 

Wouldn't that be nice?

So what's holding me back, exactly?

Will I Ever Get To Find Love...

You are leaving. And my chance is over.


I texted you today because I'm tired, I'm tired of running away, and tired of being alone, and tired of being scared of actually being close to someone on a personal level. I wanted to change that, but you got promoted, and you are moving, so I backed out on saying what I wanted to say, because eventually it wouldn't matter, eventually you'd be gone. I've lost my chance, because I got scared and backed away again, and you gave me chances. Too damn bad on me yet again. 


Good luck, I wish you the best. From the bottom of my heart, which was finally turning around, finally.

Curiosity Killed The Cat

So it's a good thing I'm not a cat then.


After years of having a question I could never, ever bring myself to ask, I finally got an answer without having to. 
I was made as a mistake. I was created a bastard child, but born to married parents, as they got married when they found out they were expecting me. I kind of figured that something like this happened, but I never had the confirmation that it was true, 


Isn't it funny how you figure these things out? 






Anyways, I figured I'd share my page where I keep my art and photography. Just in case people ever read this and wonder about it. It's not very good, but I'm working on it.
Captive Creations

On Wounded Hands I Crawl.

I just want somebody to take care of me for a few days. 
I think I'm starting to slip up, and I've been trying my best to keep up.
I'm in need of a small escape.
Somewhere else for a couple of days.




Maybe someone to start a relationship with. Who knows. But I would need to stop running away from any sign of love. For a relationship kind of girl, I freak out at the idea of being close to someone personally, because I know what all my demons are like. I'm stressed, tired, and alone. Who could take me as I am for all I am? Why am I so afraid of someone who could do that? 
Funny, I could have had that, I'm sure, maybe even a few times. But I'm so fucked up. And this is why I feel so alone when I just want someone to take care of me. Or at least hold me. I'm so exhausted.

(Drawing by me.)

That Sexy Wet Dog Look...

Does not apply to me.




But I made it into a local paper called 'The Weekender' this week. I'm not sure who took the photo as of now. But I am on the left, and my friend Samm is on the right with me. The wet dog look comes from getting caught in a pretty awesome thunderstorm at Warped Tour. Since I don't have too much to share right now, I'll share this very flattering photo of me. Very flattering. haha 

Let me just say...

Yesterday was Warped Tour for me. After years of waiting, I finally got to see Taking Back Sunday.
On cloud nine still.
See you all later. <3

I'm Back, Back In The New York Groove

One day, while I was not paying attention to my psychology class, I happened to come across a quote in there from Sigmund Freud: "When inspiration does not come to me, I go halfway to meet it." 
So, I am now setting myself a goal to do at least one drawing a day, no matter how large or small. I'm tired of sitting around daydreaming of doing photography and art, wondering if I even have the slightest chance of going back to school, spending my days somewhat overworking myself with multiple jobs 

-and nothing to show for.

I'm tired of being idle. I've made many changes, and have been working on some more of them. (for example, I have finally put off placing work first and my back pain second. Going back to the chiropractor and consistently was one of the best starts I've made.) I'm not going to get anywhere daydreaming of what I want if I don't actually do something. That is where drawing/doodling/or taking at least one photo a day comes in. It will help keep me productive in what I want, and the only thing I have to lose is accomplishing something.


Wish me luck!


P.S. I have been ignoring a lot of things lately. This has been one of them. So, if you are reading this, whether this is your first time reading one of my posts or not, please keep checking in on my progress. I'll try updating on here more often again.

And I will leave you this, though I am in Pa. this seems quite fitting right now:

New York Groove

(Photo of my, taken by my best friend, and fellow artist/photo nerd Brian.)

Hello Again.

Ahh. It seems as if I have not been on in awhile. I've gone M.I.A.
I'm not sure anyone's noticed. Or if anyone cares. I have so much I could write, but for now I leave you all with a little piece of me, if to ease any troubled minds that are reading this right now.




I never want to be the hero, that changes everything to hate.
I want to be the inspiration, for those on the brink of too late.



Lots of love to everyone, but especially those with hurting hearts. <3 
There is light out there, even in darkness. I know. I've been there, and I'm sure to go again. But understand this, even the simplest beauty out there can create the curve of the smallest smirk knowing that you beheld it.

Skinny Hollywood, Marilyn Monroe, and Today.

Just a forward. Got into a conversation where all my points were overlooked, and everyone focused solely on Marilyn Monroe. This agitated me, and now my point is being made here, as well as Facebook, and my Tumblr. This is how seriously aggravated I got.
Please, don't get me wrong, I love 50's and pin-ups and the Victorian Era, some have said that I have past lives in these two periods, but not enough people seem to understand the true nature of these times.


Just your friendly informational tid-bit about Skinny Hollywood and Marilyn Monroe. 
It's nothing new. 


The Skinny Hollywood today really started to take farce back in the 50's with pin-ups. Well, I shouldn't use it in plural -since most people only know Marilyn Monroe....




Anyways, she was the starlet who somehow really became the image idea of being skinny and being in Hollywood. (Her body was used as means of being a Hollywood Starlet people, she wasn't quite the actress and couldn't compete with anything but her body.) It had a downward spiral to it (No, not exactly her fault, but one cannot deny the correlation with Skinny Hollywood and Miss Monroe), and now you have anorexic and bulimic 'idols' for young girls to use as how they want to be in their complicated body-image times. Marilyn Monroe was a pretty face. Yes, she was beautiful, but she was also a big part as to why Hollywood looks the way it does now.


Here's a fact: Those pin-up paintings -there were photographs of models taken to use as a guideline for the paintings themselves. Do you know how many of them were contoured into 'the 50's beauty image' and 'the ideal body shape'?? 
Hm?


Majority of them.
Don't get me wrong now; 
the skinny image is nothing new in this world. 
Nowhere near it.
And I leave you with this: 


Victorian Era.

This is Life. This is the Me Now.

I realized that I don't open up enough to have a selection of close friends to talk to when I need it most. 
This is my life. 
I am pathetic.

As lonely as melting snow drops in freezing weather.

Disastrous Harmony.

Equilibrium. 
Yin and Yang. 
Light and Dark.
Balance.
I feel like my life is a perfectly knotted mess of good and bad. 


On one hand, part of my life seems like one big jumbled mess of bad. My job of 4 years -still part-time nonetheless with pretty crappy pay for all I do is on the fast track of showing me how much I am used to do, cover, recover, run, clean, and fix people's messes like I get paid enough to deal with these tasks everyday (oh no, I'm not.) Don't get me wrong, I don't completely hate my job, but I get fed up with having to do the same exact things every day I'm there -when it's not supposed to be my job. Oh, there's no coordinator up front until 12? Must be my job then! I'm fully responsible and capable to cover the job (all the jobs I do) -since I used to do it -but not be trusted with any of the responsibilities to perform the actual actions required for the 2 1/2 hours I'm running things, like get something so fucking simple as change for the registers. It's bad enough when fellow associates go to me first over the actual coordinators working but to clean up THEIR mess everyday-the one they should be taking care of -not me is pretty ridiculous. That is not the only thing either, but I will bore you no further on my rant of why I am apparently worth shit at my job.
Now, onto my other hand, the hand of goodness in my life. Even with pretty crappy days at work, I can't say that my days have been bad. (Though getting a squished Zingers out of the vending machine sucked pretty bad.) I do have good days and moments and new insights. Having the realization that staying at the same company I have worked for 4 years now isn't going to work out or put my life on track is a pretty good thing. I've been nothing short of loyal to that company, and my advancements there don't seem to be an option -since everyone else seems to be "more capable." And that's fine, I'm glad for them (some of them are even my friends), but I need my turn. And staying there will not help me. Looking for management and semi-management positions in local businesses, here I come.
This isn't all that's been happening, other worthy good and bad have happened, which puts me in binds. Should I be happy, or sad? Should I cry, or keep moving? Should I give up now, or should I keep going and make a way? My life right now had created this odd balance of perfectly harmonized sections of good and bad. My life at this moment is Yin and Yang.

I am stuck in branches, I see the goodness, can sense it, smell it, and sometimes touch it. But the bad wraps around me, and I am stuck here momentarily as I try to climb out. 

Forever My Father

I haven't posted in a while, and what can I say? I've been lacking in the story to share, and the ambition I try to drive. But here's a little piece for all of you that I'm going to share. A song I can't listen to without tears coming to my eyes. This song is for my father, who adopted me and my brother when he married our mom. A man who raised me as his very own child, when mine wouldn't. He is an amazing man, who's taken care of my family very well (I went from a girl who only had a brother to an oldest child of seven, in what seems so short a time). He's done so much for me and every time I hear this song I can't help but fear the day when his time will come. And I hope it's not any time soon. So, for all of you who read this, I hope you are filled with caring, loving memories of, if not a father, someone who carefully and dearly cared for you, and means the world -even if they are no longer here. In a way, this post is in response to A Letter I Will Never Send. This post is to the man who made his way into my life, instead of made his way out of it.

Go Radio -Forever My Father

I hope all is well in your side of life. Mine is coasting, but I need to pick things up to a bit faster pace.

'Tis not the greatest photo, but it is the beauty I beheld one very early morning. I really shouldn't always sleep in, to think I miss out on this everyday, but, alas, I may be too much of a night owl.