Power of Believing. (Storytellers Ball.)

I was at one of my jobs today, and ran into a girl that I had gone to a class with for a bit. And we got to talking. A guy she was seeing got into a car accident and was unconscious. I told her about my friend, Baldy, who was overcoming cancer again, and had a scan for Friday to make sure he's cancer free. She instantly said that she would say a prayer for him and was hoping I'd keep Justin in my thoughts for her. I said I would.

I can't say if there is or is not a God. I'm not the one to make that call. I grew up going to church every week in my Sunday's best. We did not ever go in Friday casuals. One thing that has always seemed to stick with me is my silent prayers when I'm screaming in my mind, "PLEASE, GOD, JUST MAKE IT STOP" When my ropes are short and my emotions are at my lowest. Or "Please let him be o.k. Please let him get better." Little things, little silent prayers when I feel I need it most. I never prayed much in church, I never knew what to say, but when my heart sang out in pain or in concern, my silent prayers flow through my mind. Not directed at God, specifically. Just at anybody who could hear me. Because most times, I feel as if my voice is never quite heard, especially when it's most important. 

I feel as though, when my faith in religion grew out of me, as my depression grew more and more predominant in my childhood, I also grew more into my faith in people. I have suffered endlessly, battling a dark vicious cycle that feels like an ever growing abyss. 
I still battle it. 
Alone. 
All on my own.
I never want anyone to suffer through this, knowing what I've seen, what I've yet to probably see. I am a protector, a nurturer. I want to heal everyone of their scars, to relieve their troubles and their world on their shoulders and carry it with mine. I don't want anyone to experience what I do. I want to heal. I want to listen to your story. I know you have one. 

This is for Justin. I hope you wake soon and heal from your accident. 
This is for Baldy. And for Ashley. Two best friends who are truly amazing.
They are an inspiration. Fighting cancer twice, being optimistic, and staying beside each other through it all.
I can't wait to see the hospital on Friday, so I can take in and explore the world you've seen through treatments these past few months.
This is for you. The person reading this. I don't know what your story is. But I can. I want you to heal.
I don't want you to feel as if you're alone. I am here. 

I am always here.

Life. What A Funny Thing.

In my last post I complained about how all I wanted a day off. Well, I got a doctors note for a day off. Not exactly what I wanted...but a day to recuperate is a day to recuperate.


Anyways, I married a couple on Friday. I'll post a picture when I get one, and boy, let me tell you. That was one of the most eventful days I've had in a long time.

Hope all is well on your ends, I just don't feel like speaking much today.

Runaway.

Wow, I'm pretty tired lately. Between balancing 3 jobs, trying to find time to work a drawing in that I want to do, and any time off in the morning being used to get up early anyways and babysit kids, as well as help my great grandmother when she needs it. I love my family, and I'm loyal to my jobs, but I'm ready to take a day, call off of work, tell my family I won't be home and do something. Leave in the morning and come back late. Find something to leave me feeling refreshed and re-charged enough to pick back up and go again. 

Wouldn't that be nice?

So what's holding me back, exactly?

Will I Ever Get To Find Love...

You are leaving. And my chance is over.


I texted you today because I'm tired, I'm tired of running away, and tired of being alone, and tired of being scared of actually being close to someone on a personal level. I wanted to change that, but you got promoted, and you are moving, so I backed out on saying what I wanted to say, because eventually it wouldn't matter, eventually you'd be gone. I've lost my chance, because I got scared and backed away again, and you gave me chances. Too damn bad on me yet again. 


Good luck, I wish you the best. From the bottom of my heart, which was finally turning around, finally.