There's More to Come.

I am losing touch with reality again, 
And working far too much. 
Sorry, I've lost myself.
Be back later.

Maybe.

Artwork by me. For a good friend. 

XoXXo

Cooper

My Path Through Life.

I'm pretty sure i derailed a loooonnggggg, looonnnggggg time ago and have since been creating my own path, while taking periodic breaks to sit and not move an inch. When I do get up, i'm pretty sure i start burning the path i just made. Nothing like leaving a trail of fire. For real.

Sorry for the disappearance. 
Been trying to get my feet settled.
....Again. 

I've been in a balance between chaos and restlessness. 
Whichever wins is sure to destroy a part of me.


On the other hand, I think I might try to make time to do some paintings or small drawings to sell.
I wonder if it's a good idea?
Maybe I'll try with a few flower paintings and see how that goes?
Is that something people would even buy?

I dunno yet. I may need to seek outside opinions.

I've also fully realized the extent of many of my ideas and projects that 

I started or generally sketched out are unfinished.

I should probably work on that.

Above drawing done by me. Pen and ink.

Until next time.

Take care.

And please,

Continue to support me.

XoXXo

Cooper

Is Anybody Out There?

Does anyone read this? 

Seriously curious if anyone actually does. 
Maybe I'll continue regardless so I can store my emotions of trying to push myself to get somewhere.
It's not easy wanting to make a difference so much, yet your not sure if you even do among the people you love.


Doubtful Fall.

Power of Believing. (Storytellers Ball.)

I was at one of my jobs today, and ran into a girl that I had gone to a class with for a bit. And we got to talking. A guy she was seeing got into a car accident and was unconscious. I told her about my friend, Baldy, who was overcoming cancer again, and had a scan for Friday to make sure he's cancer free. She instantly said that she would say a prayer for him and was hoping I'd keep Justin in my thoughts for her. I said I would.

I can't say if there is or is not a God. I'm not the one to make that call. I grew up going to church every week in my Sunday's best. We did not ever go in Friday casuals. One thing that has always seemed to stick with me is my silent prayers when I'm screaming in my mind, "PLEASE, GOD, JUST MAKE IT STOP" When my ropes are short and my emotions are at my lowest. Or "Please let him be o.k. Please let him get better." Little things, little silent prayers when I feel I need it most. I never prayed much in church, I never knew what to say, but when my heart sang out in pain or in concern, my silent prayers flow through my mind. Not directed at God, specifically. Just at anybody who could hear me. Because most times, I feel as if my voice is never quite heard, especially when it's most important. 

I feel as though, when my faith in religion grew out of me, as my depression grew more and more predominant in my childhood, I also grew more into my faith in people. I have suffered endlessly, battling a dark vicious cycle that feels like an ever growing abyss. 
I still battle it. 
Alone. 
All on my own.
I never want anyone to suffer through this, knowing what I've seen, what I've yet to probably see. I am a protector, a nurturer. I want to heal everyone of their scars, to relieve their troubles and their world on their shoulders and carry it with mine. I don't want anyone to experience what I do. I want to heal. I want to listen to your story. I know you have one. 

This is for Justin. I hope you wake soon and heal from your accident. 
This is for Baldy. And for Ashley. Two best friends who are truly amazing.
They are an inspiration. Fighting cancer twice, being optimistic, and staying beside each other through it all.
I can't wait to see the hospital on Friday, so I can take in and explore the world you've seen through treatments these past few months.
This is for you. The person reading this. I don't know what your story is. But I can. I want you to heal.
I don't want you to feel as if you're alone. I am here. 

I am always here.

Life. What A Funny Thing.

In my last post I complained about how all I wanted a day off. Well, I got a doctors note for a day off. Not exactly what I wanted...but a day to recuperate is a day to recuperate.


Anyways, I married a couple on Friday. I'll post a picture when I get one, and boy, let me tell you. That was one of the most eventful days I've had in a long time.

Hope all is well on your ends, I just don't feel like speaking much today.

Runaway.

Wow, I'm pretty tired lately. Between balancing 3 jobs, trying to find time to work a drawing in that I want to do, and any time off in the morning being used to get up early anyways and babysit kids, as well as help my great grandmother when she needs it. I love my family, and I'm loyal to my jobs, but I'm ready to take a day, call off of work, tell my family I won't be home and do something. Leave in the morning and come back late. Find something to leave me feeling refreshed and re-charged enough to pick back up and go again. 

Wouldn't that be nice?

So what's holding me back, exactly?

Will I Ever Get To Find Love...

You are leaving. And my chance is over.


I texted you today because I'm tired, I'm tired of running away, and tired of being alone, and tired of being scared of actually being close to someone on a personal level. I wanted to change that, but you got promoted, and you are moving, so I backed out on saying what I wanted to say, because eventually it wouldn't matter, eventually you'd be gone. I've lost my chance, because I got scared and backed away again, and you gave me chances. Too damn bad on me yet again. 


Good luck, I wish you the best. From the bottom of my heart, which was finally turning around, finally.

Curiosity Killed The Cat

So it's a good thing I'm not a cat then.


After years of having a question I could never, ever bring myself to ask, I finally got an answer without having to. 
I was made as a mistake. I was created a bastard child, but born to married parents, as they got married when they found out they were expecting me. I kind of figured that something like this happened, but I never had the confirmation that it was true, 


Isn't it funny how you figure these things out? 






Anyways, I figured I'd share my page where I keep my art and photography. Just in case people ever read this and wonder about it. It's not very good, but I'm working on it.
Captive Creations

On Wounded Hands I Crawl.

I just want somebody to take care of me for a few days. 
I think I'm starting to slip up, and I've been trying my best to keep up.
I'm in need of a small escape.
Somewhere else for a couple of days.




Maybe someone to start a relationship with. Who knows. But I would need to stop running away from any sign of love. For a relationship kind of girl, I freak out at the idea of being close to someone personally, because I know what all my demons are like. I'm stressed, tired, and alone. Who could take me as I am for all I am? Why am I so afraid of someone who could do that? 
Funny, I could have had that, I'm sure, maybe even a few times. But I'm so fucked up. And this is why I feel so alone when I just want someone to take care of me. Or at least hold me. I'm so exhausted.

(Drawing by me.)

That Sexy Wet Dog Look...

Does not apply to me.




But I made it into a local paper called 'The Weekender' this week. I'm not sure who took the photo as of now. But I am on the left, and my friend Samm is on the right with me. The wet dog look comes from getting caught in a pretty awesome thunderstorm at Warped Tour. Since I don't have too much to share right now, I'll share this very flattering photo of me. Very flattering. haha 

Let me just say...

Yesterday was Warped Tour for me. After years of waiting, I finally got to see Taking Back Sunday.
On cloud nine still.
See you all later. <3

I'm Back, Back In The New York Groove

One day, while I was not paying attention to my psychology class, I happened to come across a quote in there from Sigmund Freud: "When inspiration does not come to me, I go halfway to meet it." 
So, I am now setting myself a goal to do at least one drawing a day, no matter how large or small. I'm tired of sitting around daydreaming of doing photography and art, wondering if I even have the slightest chance of going back to school, spending my days somewhat overworking myself with multiple jobs 

-and nothing to show for.

I'm tired of being idle. I've made many changes, and have been working on some more of them. (for example, I have finally put off placing work first and my back pain second. Going back to the chiropractor and consistently was one of the best starts I've made.) I'm not going to get anywhere daydreaming of what I want if I don't actually do something. That is where drawing/doodling/or taking at least one photo a day comes in. It will help keep me productive in what I want, and the only thing I have to lose is accomplishing something.


Wish me luck!


P.S. I have been ignoring a lot of things lately. This has been one of them. So, if you are reading this, whether this is your first time reading one of my posts or not, please keep checking in on my progress. I'll try updating on here more often again.

And I will leave you this, though I am in Pa. this seems quite fitting right now:

New York Groove

(Photo of my, taken by my best friend, and fellow artist/photo nerd Brian.)

Hello Again.

Ahh. It seems as if I have not been on in awhile. I've gone M.I.A.
I'm not sure anyone's noticed. Or if anyone cares. I have so much I could write, but for now I leave you all with a little piece of me, if to ease any troubled minds that are reading this right now.




I never want to be the hero, that changes everything to hate.
I want to be the inspiration, for those on the brink of too late.



Lots of love to everyone, but especially those with hurting hearts. <3 
There is light out there, even in darkness. I know. I've been there, and I'm sure to go again. But understand this, even the simplest beauty out there can create the curve of the smallest smirk knowing that you beheld it.

Skinny Hollywood, Marilyn Monroe, and Today.

Just a forward. Got into a conversation where all my points were overlooked, and everyone focused solely on Marilyn Monroe. This agitated me, and now my point is being made here, as well as Facebook, and my Tumblr. This is how seriously aggravated I got.
Please, don't get me wrong, I love 50's and pin-ups and the Victorian Era, some have said that I have past lives in these two periods, but not enough people seem to understand the true nature of these times.


Just your friendly informational tid-bit about Skinny Hollywood and Marilyn Monroe. 
It's nothing new. 


The Skinny Hollywood today really started to take farce back in the 50's with pin-ups. Well, I shouldn't use it in plural -since most people only know Marilyn Monroe....




Anyways, she was the starlet who somehow really became the image idea of being skinny and being in Hollywood. (Her body was used as means of being a Hollywood Starlet people, she wasn't quite the actress and couldn't compete with anything but her body.) It had a downward spiral to it (No, not exactly her fault, but one cannot deny the correlation with Skinny Hollywood and Miss Monroe), and now you have anorexic and bulimic 'idols' for young girls to use as how they want to be in their complicated body-image times. Marilyn Monroe was a pretty face. Yes, she was beautiful, but she was also a big part as to why Hollywood looks the way it does now.


Here's a fact: Those pin-up paintings -there were photographs of models taken to use as a guideline for the paintings themselves. Do you know how many of them were contoured into 'the 50's beauty image' and 'the ideal body shape'?? 
Hm?


Majority of them.
Don't get me wrong now; 
the skinny image is nothing new in this world. 
Nowhere near it.
And I leave you with this: 


Victorian Era.

This is Life. This is the Me Now.

I realized that I don't open up enough to have a selection of close friends to talk to when I need it most. 
This is my life. 
I am pathetic.

As lonely as melting snow drops in freezing weather.

Disastrous Harmony.

Equilibrium. 
Yin and Yang. 
Light and Dark.
Balance.
I feel like my life is a perfectly knotted mess of good and bad. 


On one hand, part of my life seems like one big jumbled mess of bad. My job of 4 years -still part-time nonetheless with pretty crappy pay for all I do is on the fast track of showing me how much I am used to do, cover, recover, run, clean, and fix people's messes like I get paid enough to deal with these tasks everyday (oh no, I'm not.) Don't get me wrong, I don't completely hate my job, but I get fed up with having to do the same exact things every day I'm there -when it's not supposed to be my job. Oh, there's no coordinator up front until 12? Must be my job then! I'm fully responsible and capable to cover the job (all the jobs I do) -since I used to do it -but not be trusted with any of the responsibilities to perform the actual actions required for the 2 1/2 hours I'm running things, like get something so fucking simple as change for the registers. It's bad enough when fellow associates go to me first over the actual coordinators working but to clean up THEIR mess everyday-the one they should be taking care of -not me is pretty ridiculous. That is not the only thing either, but I will bore you no further on my rant of why I am apparently worth shit at my job.
Now, onto my other hand, the hand of goodness in my life. Even with pretty crappy days at work, I can't say that my days have been bad. (Though getting a squished Zingers out of the vending machine sucked pretty bad.) I do have good days and moments and new insights. Having the realization that staying at the same company I have worked for 4 years now isn't going to work out or put my life on track is a pretty good thing. I've been nothing short of loyal to that company, and my advancements there don't seem to be an option -since everyone else seems to be "more capable." And that's fine, I'm glad for them (some of them are even my friends), but I need my turn. And staying there will not help me. Looking for management and semi-management positions in local businesses, here I come.
This isn't all that's been happening, other worthy good and bad have happened, which puts me in binds. Should I be happy, or sad? Should I cry, or keep moving? Should I give up now, or should I keep going and make a way? My life right now had created this odd balance of perfectly harmonized sections of good and bad. My life at this moment is Yin and Yang.

I am stuck in branches, I see the goodness, can sense it, smell it, and sometimes touch it. But the bad wraps around me, and I am stuck here momentarily as I try to climb out. 

Forever My Father

I haven't posted in a while, and what can I say? I've been lacking in the story to share, and the ambition I try to drive. But here's a little piece for all of you that I'm going to share. A song I can't listen to without tears coming to my eyes. This song is for my father, who adopted me and my brother when he married our mom. A man who raised me as his very own child, when mine wouldn't. He is an amazing man, who's taken care of my family very well (I went from a girl who only had a brother to an oldest child of seven, in what seems so short a time). He's done so much for me and every time I hear this song I can't help but fear the day when his time will come. And I hope it's not any time soon. So, for all of you who read this, I hope you are filled with caring, loving memories of, if not a father, someone who carefully and dearly cared for you, and means the world -even if they are no longer here. In a way, this post is in response to A Letter I Will Never Send. This post is to the man who made his way into my life, instead of made his way out of it.

Go Radio -Forever My Father

I hope all is well in your side of life. Mine is coasting, but I need to pick things up to a bit faster pace.

'Tis not the greatest photo, but it is the beauty I beheld one very early morning. I really shouldn't always sleep in, to think I miss out on this everyday, but, alas, I may be too much of a night owl.

Something for Someone -A Letter I'll Never Send

It's been a few years, but many more before that. I thought I'd just write a letter just to let you know what I'm like, I guess. How do you put these words when you don't know what to say -all that I know is that I'm o.k. I get myself by from day-to-day and manage to get through the trials that try my strength. If these words are verse, then I don't know the chorus -I'll just sing this song this was instead.

I've never really know you -this shadow feature in my life. I am a piece of you -half of me in full. The other half that raised me shows through in personality. And as I ponder at these thoughts nothing comes to mind. All I know is hello to this stranger of mine. Another family I might never know, but the one I have now I love more then you could know. I guess I'd just like to know if you ever think of me from time to time and wonder what I'm like. And if these words are verse to you, then I don't know the chorus. I'll just sing this way instead. 

Swinging High On Broken Swings

You know, I'm gonna be honest here. 

I get discouraged too.

As an artist I want to do the best I can to make the best I can.

I look all around me and everywhere for inspiration.

I find so much beauty and art in some other pieces.

How come I can't fully do that?

How come?

Am I not good enough?

I am. But I'm still a beginner. I've only had one official art class that taught me techniques and how to actually draw. And considering the amount of progress I've made from that class, and the amount of progress I've made on my own I should considerably proud. I am considerably proud of myself. I just have to wonder, if I'll ever be good enough that someone will follow ME as an artist, someone who will share my works and say things like: "Beautiful!" "Great!" "Stunning!" "I love this!," someone who will be inspired by me as a reason to pursue something, or do something, or make a change for the better. I want to reach my hand out to as many people possible, even if I never get to see them. But it just goes to show, I have a lot to learn, and that this road doesn't end quickly. It continues to go, and I continue to walk idly, and take in my surrounds from time to time for a breath or fresh air. Just because I get a little discouraged by others talents, doesn't mean I'm ready to quit. It just means I need to practice more, to learn more, and to experience more as well as keep these hands busy and this mind running. I'm ready to settle in for the night, but hopefully this means some more progress will ensue soon.

 I guess til then, I'll just rest along on this broken swing, humming songs as the wind blows. 
Stay hopeful.

Leaping Through Puddles.

I thought about doing a post in celebration of Leap Year today. Well, I had nothing. But since you are reading this, I most certainly have found something to say then, right? Not really, but I'd like to give a few words of inspiration to open your eyes to brighter things in this world. 


A dear friend of mine sent to me the other day a little text message that said "Leap Year. For a day, live life like it Matters." I have been suffering with a tough time for those few days before I got the text and momentarily thought "Does it matter?" Then I would have surly said, 'Possibly not. Not for I, a girl who can't get things right." Alas, now, a few days later I find myself not living today like it mattered, but day-dreaming like it did. The day is closing and I realized that you don't have to do anything spectacular to make it special, but treat it like this day was another day, a day to step forward with your life, a stepping stone towards your goals. I'm taking small, feeble steps now. For a girl whose known for a 'proud, model-like' walk, these steps can be hard. But I'm gonna take each day in stride, knowing that each day matters no matter how good or bad it gets. Because even the bad day's counts. Happy Leap Day. 

14 Saint's Named Valentine

It's the end of Valentine's day. And whether you had a Valentine or not, it's o.k. It's not the end of the world if you didn't have someone special to mark this Tuesday as something other then Tuesday. Because, even if there isn't a special someone beside you on a day like today, or even a holiday in general, you don't need that to know there is someone at your fingertips beside you even on normal day. The can be anybody, someone you can call at 1 am because you can't sleep, someone you can drag outside because you want to go on a walk, someone to smile with even if you want to cry. They are certainly indeed special to you, even if they are a friend or family member, or something more. And they are the one's who can push you forward when you feel like doing anything but taking that next step to where you should be. They are your faithful guides that move not in front, nor behind you, but hand in yours next to you, sharing your path and theirs. They are indeed as special as you are. They are a piece of you. And even if that position is changed by another, they still have been a part of you and are the reason you are where you are today. So who is your special person(s) whose path is entwined with yours as you walk this road? Make sure they know you care that they are beside you, not for Valentine's day, but for Tuesday, and Wednesday, and Thursday, and all the moments in between each time you are together as you are apart.

Reflections

What exactly is it that burns inside of us? 
Passion? 
Drive? 
Fear?
What is it that keeps us moving in the face of all that we experience? What is our fate, if today's presence seems so grim?  Do we really want to know? Is our heart still truly beating, or is this all a mirage? 

I'll erase my footprints as I walk with each step creating the forgotten path -only flames will tail behind me now. I am preparing to start setting the world on fire -with company or all alone. This is the path I behold.

'Start The Revolution'

After extensively listening to the new Attack Attack! This is War album a few times straight through I have come to the conclusion that it is really pretty good. There is a lot of meaning and work obviously put into this album. I personally would have preferred more synth and piano and good beats that they are known for like in The Confrontation, or The Betrayal, but more so like in their previous albums (Like a little bit of Someday Came Suddenly anyone??). But obviously that becomes hard when you focus a lot on creating the proper music around lyrics and an album itself- an album which is the turning point for Attack Attack! at this part of their game in the music world. Don't get me wrong, it's still there, just not as prominent and noticeable. No techno-y 'break downs' or 'interludes'. As the band that they are they obviously won't cut it out completely, I just feel that it's a little incomplete without a little more of it. The vocal content is also a bit different, but it is good, and I feel it compliments nicely to the album. I am very satisfied with this album and I think it's really good, and that Attack Attack! did a good job. Just my thoughts on it but I say Thumbs up to these guys, the work put into this has been duly noted with me. 

Also, The Used have recently released a new song, which makes me a giddy little happy girl, for I am in love with the Used. Check it out. 

The Used - I Come Alive <--Click Me!

Other then that, all is calm for now. My weekend had been spent sore, tired, and sick. But that gave me time to realize how much I desperately need more sleep and how I can't continue to sit around and daydream a fantasy world when I have my own dreams I'd like to accomplish. So as I re-gain all the energy that was wiped out of me, I find myself taking steps to regain my focus on the things I need to. Step by step I'll will work on putting myself when I need to be. Things will not accomplish with daydreams, but accomplishments will replace the daydreams, with dreams come true. I'm not expecting it to be easy. My life has certainly not been so thus far, but if I work hard and focus where I need to, I'm sure it will be easier then fighting nightmares. This is where I light your candle shall you follow. This is where my trials and triumphs begin.

Stand Tall, Little One

Life let's a lot of people down, I am included in this. And there are many the days I want to give up everything and walk away, but knowing that what I want to do is to make a difference keeps me grounded, knowing that I already have it a little easier then most, keeps me more humbled.

"I'm Beaten, Bruised, and Bleeding"

This song relates into my first post. "This time is not my perspective." But how do I get out, and see the things I need to see and accomplish the things I want to do? As long as I am not at ease, this will bother me.

Attack Attack! The Wretched  <--Click It!! 


Give it a listen. Maybe your perspective will want to open up too. I know this is fueling mine now.

Always A Part Of Me, Until The Very Last Day.

     It's been 3 years yesterday since I lost a friend. I remember finding out, yet never reacting to hearing those words until I saw her death announced on the news, in which I replayed that not-even 2 minute segment over and over and over again, crying as fast as my eyes would. And all too quickly do we pick up the pieces we have and we move on with our lives, the world doesn't stop turning, you can't too. But one thing we don't stop and think, or even realize all too often is that pieces of us fuse with pieces of those around you. One person in special to you for one reason or another, but that doesn't change a thing, they become a part of you. You can never see them again, but you still have that piece of them that they gave you, carefully picked, in which you exchanged to them a piece of you. And, yes, the world turns and pain comes and goes, but there is still that part of you, connected to them. Always. Today is a careful reminder of how influenced  we are by our surroundings. And most days, some of us will never even notice. We carry it with us, not paying attention, until that moment comes around, and we take it in, keep our fill, and save it again for another day, another time, another place when me may need it again. I only hope that even before I die, I have instilled the pieces of me among many people, so even as time passes people will think of me, and the impression I have left on them from time to time, even if I see them again. So this is my tribute to a friend whom may be gone, but even so today, she has proven that there is still many a reason why she is still here, and that is through the pieces of her that have been sown upon us. Pieces of us have been instilled into the  innocent hearts of others who have let us in. Keep cool my friend, you are still very missed.